~Thursday, April 12, 2001~04:14 p.m.
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"And now I'm all alone again
Nowhere to turn, no one to go to
Without a home, without a friend,
Without a face to say hello to.
And now the night is near
Now I can make believe he's here.
Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping
I think of him and then I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head.
On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone, I walk with him till morning
Without him
I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And he has found me
In the rain the pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me for ever and forever
And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say, there's a way for us
I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone, the river's just a river
Without him the world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers
I love him
But every day I'm learning
All my life I've only been pretending
Without me his world will go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
That I have never known!
I love him
I love him
I love him
But only on my own."
~Wednesday, April 11, 2001~10:21 p.m.
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Do you ever feel like you need to be alone?? Your not sure why, actually you're wondering yourself and you don't want to hurt the others around you? That is how I felt today. I was fine this morning and I'm not really sure I didn't feel like eating (which seems to be a very frequent thing lately) and then I just felt like being alone and isolating myself from the world. The thing is I can't justify why and I can't control when it happens, but when it does happen I just lock myself in my room and pretend that I'm not here. I know that's not the way to deal with it and I don't mean it to hurt anyone cause it is nothing personal. It's gotten to the point where I need time or that I need to talk and I can't find the right person to talk to. Sometimes I need to talk and I don't even know what it is to say, so then there is no point in talking. Don't get me wrong I have plenty of people to talk to, and I am reminded of that everyday, but it's just really hard to explain. Like why for only a moment was I happy that I got an "A" on my Biochemistry test. A test I had worked my butt off to get right. And I was only happy for the one moment while looking it over and then you would never have realized that I had gotten my test back let alone a wonderful grade on it. Is there something wrong with me?? It's almost like I have gotten so lost in school that I have forgotten what I am working towards. Have you ever been worried about yourself?? People worry about me all the time, is it possible or even okay to be worried about myself? I don't know but I think I am.
~Tuesday, April 10, 2001~05:17 p.m.
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Is there one person in the entire world you can tell everything to?? Did you say YES?? Are you sure?? You tell them absolutely everything nothing is concealed at all?? Not one thought left for yourself? Well then message me, cause I can't even begin to think that there is such a person that exists. Yeah I share thoughts with my friends, but no matter how close they are to me there are some things i obviously don't tell them. Heck, there are even things i don't tell myself. Sometimes I don't even know what is wrong with me, how am i suppose to share it with my closest friends? But there are those things that should be known. Just by the words you choose, especially if you have known that person for such a long time. Shouldn't they understand and ask if something is wrong?? I mean, gosh, the friends that i see all the time ask me continously if there is something wrong. Ok, I will have to give some credit, I have known this person for years and we both say that we know each other but why is it that it always seem that I know more about them then they do about me? Sometimes it just feels like I try harder in the friendship then they do, so what happens when i give up trying? I feel like the middle token, sort of like the glue. I'm not really an important step in their lives just an intermediate. For all you chemistry majors, it's like when your doing a reaction and at the end you do the work up to obtain the major product and throw away the intermediates cause they aren't important. No matter how close we get as friends, it just slips away....everytime. I have had two real best friends in my life, or so i thought, and they were both taken away in similar manners. Was it my fault? Was it the fact that i already had an impact on their lives so it was time to throw away the intermediate? Sometimes that is just how it feels. You have served your purpose. You start out as friends, get really close....where you talk everyday even if it is just over IM or email, and then a few changes in your life and you are more distant then ever. The next step? Well, they contact you once a year normally christmas or something, you feel bad cause you didn't get them a christmas present then next thing you know it you haven't talked in five years and you meet once again at your ten year high school reunion with question and wonderment of whatever happened to the cherished friendship that you had once had.
~Monday, April 9, 2001~10:37 p.m.
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Everyone has had a first crush...well mine lasted a long time. But have you ever had a first love, but yet never had a relationship. In the case where you know the person and you think that you are in love but have never told them. It's kind of a weird concept, but i think that it happens. I also believe, whether crush or first love, they are really hard to get over. Almost to the point where you want to have a chance to reject them just so you can get them out of your head. No matter how much you have convinced yourself that you no longer think of him, he pops up in your head and won't go away. How is it that after all this time, just the simple one sentence email makes you smile?? Why can't that go away easy? I mean you never had a relationship, nothing was ever there, but somehow no matter how hard you try the feelings don't go away. Then feelings that you have convinced you feel no more and that it was only the past that you felt that way, becomes a joke to the people around you. I know that nothing is meant by it but it still hurts, but your not sure why? Why does this keep happening? Why doesn't it simply go away?? Some might say it takes time, but what happens when it's been an entire year or so and you still feel that way? What justifies that?? I just don't understand it, there wasn't even a relationship, how can it take this long to get over a person you never had a relationship with?? Sometimes going to bed at night is the only time that the dream of rejection becomes a reality. Dreaming up scenarios where you can reject him, hoping that your feelings will slip away with the rejection. Then you wake up and they are still there.............
~Sunday, April 8, 2001~07:19 p.m.
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I have studied so much for the past 16 years that i need a break. I did absolutely nothing this weekend, ok well that is totally true, i went to a concert and stayed out until 3 am. but i have done absolutely no studying done at all this weekend. Such a slacker I am. Well that isn't true, but I feel like soon everything is going to sneak up on me and then i will be sorry i took a weekend off. But what can I say when I have to read an article about a barnacle I would much rather be sleeping as I am sure all of you would as well. The school's end is coming so soon meaning that I go home. Don't get me wrong I do want to go home but I also want to stay here. The teachers here are also better than those back home (no offense). Well just thought i would warn you know I lead quite a boring life and a very sporadic one. One day I have a lot of deep things on my mind and the next day I don't have anything intelligent to say at all. Well I have many many things to do today, not even sure where to start. Oh well........................
~Friday, April 6, 2001~02:04 p.m.
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This is an article i found in the opinions section of the Red and Black. I just thought that it should be shared on this page:
There's Help For Fighting Depression
By: John Broderick:
If it weren't for my friends, I would be dead right now. It was early January. I sat on the floor, with my legs drawn close to my chest - my back resting against my bed - and I stared at the door to my bedroom.
For a time, I felt nothing.
Then, however, I started to cry. The muscles in my jaw clenched, my body began to quiver, and the tears that followed brought only momentary relief in their assertion that I was still alive. I didn't want to be.
I knew I should get up, that I should tell someone, that I should watch TV, that I should do anything other than sit and feel sorry for myself, but I couldn't. I had no energy at all, no desire to move.
Then, for whatever reason - maybe he heard me crying - one of my closest friends came in to ask me if I was alright. He sat with me, patted me on the back, and waited until I was ready to speak.
"Sean," I said, "I wrote a note."
He asked me what I meant and I told him I had written a suicide note. I was planning to kill myself and I wanted to explain to my family- especially my younger brother and sister - and friends, why they shouldn't miss me.
I thought there was something wrong with me, that I should have been able to just snap ou of it. I couldn't. I was in too much pain. It had gotten to the point where I didn't like anything anymore. Every day I would come home from class, lay in my bed and think about dying.
Most importantly, though. I never wanted anyone to know. I was always the funny guy. I was the one who was always smiling on the outside, always trying to do good. Inside, however, I was miserable. It wasn't until the night that I actually wrote the note that I realized how bad I had gotten.
Being in the same band together, Sean and I had practiced at Nuci Space before and we knew that there, musicians can get help dealing with mental disorders. I told him that I wanted the help.
Immediately, the people at Nuci's Space - namely Linda Phillips and Bob Sleppy - began to help. They calmed me down that night and set up an appointment for me to come in the next morning. Afterwards, they put me in touch with a psychiatrist and with a therapist. I've been getting better ever since.
Once I started treatment, I had to take things easy for a while so I told most of my friends that I had recently found out that I was sick and that I wasn't going to be around much.
I didn't want to tell them exactly what happened, because I was afraid of what they might think. Too many people harbor serious misconceptions about depression and it's effects on the mind and body.
Depression affects 19 million American adults each year, while suicide remains the third leading cause of death among people aged 15 to 24. People who suffer from depression can't just "lighten up."
Anyone can suffer from depression. I'm a straight-A student, a member of a fraternity, I play in a band, I write for the paper, I work at the Ramsey Center, I play intramural sports, and I love going downtown and hanging out with my friends.
If you think you may be suffering from depresion or if you might know someone who is, please, get help.
Visit (www.nostigma.org), (www.nuci.org), (www.ndmda.org) for information about depression and how to get help. Please, talk to someone. Your life is too important not to.
~Thursday, April 5, 2001~12:44 p.m.
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What does life mean anyway?? As day turns into night, I can't wait to close my door and fall fast asleep into another life totally different from my own. When i'm there i can be whoever i want, i can look different, most importantly i can say whatever i want. Any psychiatrist would say that all these dreams have some meaning. I'm sure they do. I sometimes even think about what they do mean, and what it is i'm trying to say. No one seems to understand me, which i'm sure has some kind of hidden meaning behind it as well, but they don't. It's good to have someone to confide in, someone you can tell absolutely anything to and they will completely understand you. I used to have someone i could talk to like that, but you know people get lives and find that they don't have time to talk to you as much as they used to. Oh, I understand that, but i also understand the other side, cause i am that side, the side that always feels that they are here just to take part in other people's lives and not live their own. I know that you must be thinking that this girl is crazy, well it's true i probably am, a lot of my friends think so. I'm not writing this for people to feel sorry for me or to apologize because they think that it is them that i am writing about cause it's not....I am writing this for myself and for whoever out there is reading it and may possibly feel the same way that i do. I am also writing this maybe for someone's amusment. That is for you the reader to decide, besides i'm only the one writing it.